HONG KONG (SE): A survey conducted by the Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council showed that conflicts between couples aged 50 and above arise mainly from the feeling of not being understood.
With its recently-launched service project for long-married couples, the council encouraged more listening and understanding, which is important for a couple who need to face the changes that come with retirement and the moving out of their children. The inauguration ceremony was livestreamed on August 12 and the results of the survey were also released.
Chairperson of the council, Joseph Lee King-chi, said the issues faced by silver-age couples are a matter of concern and the service aims to reduce the stress as they face retirement, the empty nest syndrome or health problems.
The council started the project for silver-age couples last year. The project, subsidised by the Hong Kong Jockey Club Charities Trust, offers seminars, relationship building tutorials, community voluntary services and gatherings which will last for three years.
The survey interviewed 213 couples in their 50s at the end of last year. Most of them pointed out that the reasons for their conflicts were a lack of real understanding and concern of their own needs from their partners, while some said the feeling of being ignored or a lack of communication caused disagreements.
Those interviewed said they found it important to have honest sharing, mutual respect and common hobbies in order to enrich their marriages.
The Lins shared the experiences of their 34 year marriage during the launching ceremony. Mrs. Lin said what hurts the relationship most was the lack of understanding of her needs. For example, she likes to eat snacks to reduce pressure but her habit is often criticised by her husband who believes snacks are not good for health. She said she understood his good intentions, but she felt upset whenever she received a harsh comment from him.
Mr. Lin, on the other hand, said he needed the company of his wife when he made a follow-up appointment at the hospital but she said she preferred to prepare a good meal for him at home.
The couple said while there are reasons for argument, their relationship is strengthened by common hobbies like joining long-distance races overseas and where they can enjoy the moment of crossing the finish line with joined hands.
Mr. Lin said he was happy to take part in the project as he had a chance to talk about his feelings under the guidance of a social worker.
Deacon Louis Wong Chin-to, chairperson of the Diocesan Pastoral Commission for Marriage and the Family, said it is hard for couples to adjust to the empty nest syndrome as they would have spent most of their time on work and their children over many years and, with retirement and their children moving out, they had to face each other all day long. So it is important to develop common hobbies and look for more topics to talk about.
The deacon, who works at St. Jude’s parish, North Point, said it organises marriage celebration activities on the feast of Holy Family every year in which social workers are invited to talk about different issues in a marriage, and the empty nest syndrome was one of them.
