Father’s Day celebrates and honours the father figures who have provided us with life, nurtured us, and protected us throughout our lives. We thank them for their love and guidance and for paving the way for us to reach our dreams. Father Richard Rohr, a Franciscan friar and popular author of numerous books on spirituality, discusses a concept called “father hunger”—the desire to be affirmed, approved, known, understood, and loved by one’s father. According to Father Rohr, research by development psychologists has shown that this father-hunger is crucial for kids to cultivate a sense of strength and authority.
If the father hunger in a child is not fulfilled due to divorce of the parents, abandonment, death—or if the father is nominally present but practically absent because he is working, favouring a sibling, or outright abusive—then father-hunger becomes a father wound. It is a child’s desire to experience the masculine energy of a father’s love; without it, the child will lack self-confidence and the ability to trust themselves. But the intensity of yearning to be fathered can lead to unhealthy attachments, even though it’s an exercise in futility, like a 17-year-old trying to get father energy from other 17-year-olds or slightly older youths.
Growing up without a father’s affirmation results in children seeking it elsewhere. Such kids are more likely to get involved in the wrong company, substance abuse and unruly behaviours. Father Rohr narrates a story of a nun who ministered in a male prison in Peru: When Mother’s Day approached during her first year at the prison, the prisoners kept asking for cards for Mother’s Day. Despite bringing several boxes of cards, she never seemed to have enough. Therefore, when Father’s Day approached, she decided to prepare ahead of time by buying a case of Father’s Day cards. But that case remained in her office, with not one man asking for a card!
She realised then that most of those men were in jail because they had no fathers. Not that they were orphans, but they had never been fathered. They had hardly experienced the protection and nurturing of a father figure during their childhood and grew up with an identity crisis. Insecure as they were, they had to prove themselves to be men since no one ever told them they were. Thus, they spent their lives trying to become men, but in a devious and destructive manner.
Father Rohr says that in the absence of the affirmation of one’s dad, “every male relationship will somehow be our unmet father, for good and ill.” Mom’s love is body-based from the womb and the breast. It is assumed, taken for granted, and relied upon instinctively, which is why a foundational ‘mother wound’ can be even more devastating to one’s very core. One’s mother is one’s first clear image and source of security.
However, a dad’s love is something different. He does not ‘have’ to love you, but must ‘choose’ to love you. Your dad decides for you, picks you out, and notices you among the many; his love redeems, liberates, and delights. Dad’s love validates and affirms us deeply, precisely because it was not necessary, yet he chose to love us! —Jose, CMF
